We thought the grandparents approved of our plans for after the baby arrived. Then I found out what my mother really thinks.

Care & Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Do you have any questions about care and feeding? submit it here.

Dear care and food,

My wife and I are expecting our first child soon, and we got an unexpected reaction from my mom about the timing of her first date. This will be the first grandson from both sides. Both sets of grandparents live more than a six-hour flight away.

From the beginning, we let everyone know that we want us to establish a routine in the first month and feel comfortable as parents before meeting our family. My in-laws weren’t thrilled about this, but they accepted it. When it came to parenting decisions and visits (which at first included visits from my in-laws) my parents basically expressed support for whatever worked best for us. But once we provided them with the early dates we wanted them to come (about six weeks after the baby was born), my mother told me how disappointing it was. She asked if she could come early. When I softly repeated my plan, he scolded me. He told me that our decision was unfair and unreasonable – a complete contradiction of everything he had said before. His idea is to travel for one night within the first three weeks and for a week in six weeks.

My wife and I are both concerned about how Any There will be meetings in view of this sudden change in behaviour. We are unsure how to proceed with setting boundaries and managing his expectations.

-expect trouble

dear expectation,

You and your wife are in charge of when and for how long anyone visits you after your baby is born (or ever). “Anyone” includes grandparents. And I say this as a future (soon! in just a few months!) grandmother who would love to see that upcoming baby within hours, if not minutes, of his or her entry into the world, but who would? Absolutely Follow your daughter and son-in-law’s plan (current thinking is two weeks in advance of any visitors). I kept my parents away for a week, even though they were eating a little.

Each group of new parents has to decide when to let others in. And you also reserve the right to change your mind – to request to spend more time alone with your child or to ask to meet sooner. (By the end of our first week with my newborn daughter, I was relieved that I hadn’t asked for two, because I needed help. I was exhausted.) You may feel that a month without any help is too long. But this decision will be yours, not your mother’s or anyone else’s.

Let me point out that your mother’s “sudden change in behavior” is probably not cause for concern: I don’t believe it portends trouble in the future. When the baby was several months away, it was easy to be generous and rational. Now that the birth is near, she’s lost her mind (a little bit). I sympathize. Unlike your mother, I’m smart enough to keep my excessive enthusiasm to myself (and to my husband and my closest friends… and, um, the readers of this column, I guess) and maintain a measured, loving, supportive tone with prospective parents. Maybe because I never kidd myself that I Was (or ever am) calm, cool and collected. Your mother is behaving inappropriately, yes—the child’s fever has upset her. Be firm with her, if this is what you want then stick to your plan and let her know that you understand it will be hard for her to wait, but she has to wait anyway. Also, let her know that you love her and are excited for her as well as yourself. And repeat that as soon as you feel ready to include your grandparents in the charmed circle, which is also a cataclysmic life change for both of you, you will be thrilled To see his child in his lap.

Dear care and food,

I’m at my peak with my husband, “Patrick”. We have two kids, ages 3 and 5, and every time I set a limit for him (bedtime, amount of screen time, number of gifts per week, etc.), he changes the rules for them, saying, “It’s just this one time.”

But “just this once” happens more times than I can count Day, And it’s all I can do to get them to listen to me because they know their father will erase any limits I set. When I call Patrick about this, he tells me I’m too much fun and I need to lighten up. How do I finally get her on the same page as me?

—Dealing technically with three kids

Dear Technically,

It sounds frustrating—I get it. But unless you’re single-parenting, it’s not fair or practical to unilaterally make rules for your children and then expect the other parent to enforce them. If the other parent, who has played no role in decision making, says “just this once” when the kids break a rule or ask to be broken, but really means “There are never any rules!”, either the two of you have completely different ideas about how to parent your children, he or she is passive-aggressively declaring abdication from parenting, or he or she is (also passive-aggressively!) acting out. Doing, intentionally getting under your skin, Because He had no contribution in making these guidelines.

If you’ve tried to have repeated conversations with her about setting guidelines for the kids and she’s refused to participate (because aren’t these conversations fun? Especially if you disagree about what those guidelines should be…or should there be any?)… Or Just because he responded to your suggested guidelines with “Whatever you say, hon” doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. He is a parent: Hook is his for life.

tell him that you to pass Working together on these guidelines. It’s important that you both create a parenting plan that works for both of you. If he insists that you know better, that he’s no good at this kind of stuff (easy for me to imagine), ask him gently why, then, he’s so quick to pick up on the rules he says he trusts you with. Don’t approach him in a hostile manner, expect a fight. Ask Him (Again?): What Feels Fair Him When it comes to limits on treats or screens, etc.? If he snaps – if he really behaves like a child about this, actively refusing to be a parent – ​​and continues to undermine your attempts at continuity, it’s time for marriage counseling.

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Dear care and food,

I am a single mother of a 15 year old son, “Jake”. Jake recently got this job at a local community center – part-time, but it’s something he can fit around his classes. In principle, I like it. It gives him some responsibility and gives him a chance to earn some money. In practice, it’s not so great. He spent half of his first paycheck on something the online shop labeled a “fart war flag.” Then he hung this really rebellious banner in his bedroom.

I’m seriously amazed that this kind of thing can be sold without violating obscenity laws. I’d say it’s pornographic because it features genitalia and anus, except I don’t think anyone would really enjoy it. Except my disgusting son.

I urged him to take it off, and if he was upset he complied. But the more I think about it, the more I believe he’s not willing to earn his money if he’s going to spend it on things like this. I called the community center to tell them he was resigning from the job, and it turned into a big fight with him and the people who run the community center, because he had insisted he would stay there, and they were taking his side over me. How do I get him out of there unless he is ready to spend the money he gets on such cheap things?

-rebelled

Dear Rebel,

If your ultimate goal is to make sure that when your son leaves home (possibly in two years, forever), he cuts off contact with you or limits it to mandatory, polite check-ins, then you’re doing fine. If your goal is to establish complete control over it – nice try, but it will fail miserably.

Your house, your rules about genital and anal images—fine. But telling a 15 year old how he or she can spend the money they earn themselves, as long as they’re not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal with it, is just plain silly. He will soon learn that spending money on a ridiculous thing means he no longer has money to spend on something potentially less ridiculous. tell him he’s not allowed Earning your own money is absurd.

But mostly, seriously: resigning from my job. For He is disabled. pull yourself together.

-Michelle

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